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In glorious sunshine, the best of the year, Downe were back to their usual batting first. They made 224 runs in their 40 overs, thanks to another excellent innings of 87 from Chris Trevatt and some more big hitting from the bowlers, Mark Trevatt, Tom Hobbs and Josh Taylor at the end. Locksbottom started well and put on 59 before the first wicket fell. The next batsman in, Lambourne, who usually scores a million against us, was then out 3rd ball without scoring and wickets started to fall quickly. In fact, in a 10 over spell, 6 wickets fell for just 29 runs and despite the Downe bowlers doing their best to assist Locksbottom with 22 wides they never managed to recover and were all out in the 38th over for 175. As it was the last match of the season, after first visiting the "Queens Head" we then all had to go for our usual curry at the"Rajdoot", and a good time was had by all. For the second week running the opposition batted first and made 159 runs for the loss of 5 wickets in their 40 overs. Also for the second week running poor old Matt Warne was out in the first over for another duck. John Denton at the grand old age of 66 played a steady innings scoring 52 runs before being bowled out with just a few overs left. John scored 31 of his runs in singles and I suspect that Sue will be busy for the next few days giving John a daily massage. Tom Hobbs and young Josh Taylor nearly won the match for Downe with their swash-buckling batting but eventually some accurate bowling by the Cudham bowlers won them game by 15 runs. In this 35 overs match, the opposition batted first (just for a change) and on a wet wicket put on 129 runs before tea. The run rate was kept down mainly due to Alex Rhodes taking 4 wickets and the 2 "Spice Boys", Matt Walker and Matt Warne, restricting the batsmen to just 8 runs in their 10 overs. Downe's start could not have been worse with both openers being out for ducks after just 7 balls had been bowled. Chris Trevatt and Marcus Parfett then set about to show the rest of the team just how easy it was and put on 81 runs to set up what should have been an easy victory. However, what followed turned out to be another famous Downe collapse with 5 wickets falling in quick succession. At 92 for 7 Roan & Lambethans were in with a good chance and after 2 more wickets fell it was anyones game. In a nailbiting finish the last pair, young Josh Taylor and Alex Rhodes kept their nerve and managed to get the required runs. This match saw a welcome return for Robin Van-Rijsbergen and Alex Rhodes for their first games of the year. Alex took 4 wickets whilst Robin, Downe Cricket Club's only International player, who came over from Holland just to play in this important game, only managed a first ball duck...........Dutch Git. No actual report this week as once again I was away..........this time in Ireland. But I have noticed that John Denton now tops the bowling averages !!!!! No actual report this week as I was away in Wales...............but I do know that after the game they all went for their usual pre Bank Holiday curry whilst I was roughing it, up in a Welsh mountain restaurant with a bottle of wine and a lobster, crab and oyster salad. (A waste of money -------- the oysters didn't work !!!) In this 40 overs match the visitors batted first and although a wicket fell very early on, the next few batsmen started to pile on the runs. A huge total looked on the cards until their number three batsman was out to an excellent catch on the boudary by Marcus Parfett. The remaining wickets fell steadily, thanks to Chris Trevatt's 4 wickets, and they were eventually all out for 190. A couple of Downe wickets fell with only 18 on the board but then young Marcus arrived and started to hit the ball with ease to all parts of the ground. Downe looked to be in with a chance until the visitors brought on their demon bowler, T. Barnes, who took the next 6 wickets (all bowled) for just 6 runs. Downe's hope faded and they were all out after 34 overs, Marcus scoring 74, almost half of the final total of 155. A magnificant 98 not out by Chris Trevatt and a 3rd wicket stand of 123 with guest Sam Stolton saw Downe to 205 for 3 after their 40 overs. Carlton Sports chased hard after the required runs and with 3 overs left they still had a chance of winning. Captain, Jack then put young Josh Taylor back on to bowl 2 of the last 3 overs. Josh held his nerve and bowled well, restricting the Carlton batsmen so that the match finished with them being just 6 runs short. Non of our intrepid reporters were at this game but it's clear we lost and that Tom Hobbs deserves a mention for scoring most of the teams runs ...79 Downe batted first in this 40 overs match and scored a commendable 211 for 6, thanks mainly to Marcus Parfett who hit some excellent boundarys until losing his wicket on 99. Dad was pleased that Marcus didn't quite make 100 as he's getting fed up of having to buy jugs for his son later in the pub. The 2 Shooters Hill openers started well and for a while it looked as though we were onto another 9 wicket defeat, but once they were both out with the score on 67, wickets started to fall steadily and eventually they were all out for 158. Shooters Hill were a man short and with an extra man fielding and an extra batsman the game would have been much closer. Good to see Russell Green back playing and bowling again. He took 1 for 14 in his 4 over spell, but he did say that he would have to spend all Monday having his shoulders massaged by Claire. Even though the weather was grim, the pitch was prepared, the stumps pitched and both teams were present and ready to play. Unfortunately the weather became even worse so the game was abandoned without a ball being bowled. Some went home and the others went, of course, to the pub and watched Darren win the golf.(he managed to play in the rain though.......and win !!!!!!!) In preparation for playing one of our seasons strongest opponents, the Spice Boys bailed out, Brady was yet to climb down from the coconut shy and Mark had to attend a hair development programme. Not to worry though; the Trolley Dolly was back, Parf's back had been re-assembled, one of our overseas players (well over the Medway) was drafted in on a short term contract, the sun was shinning and a specially prepared track lay in wait for the opposition openers. All good: until the skipper lost the toss. Smudger and Donut made their way to the middle but before long (Sue had not yet arrived again) Smudger was on his way back followed quickly by last weeks Centurion who wafted Gower like at a wide one (Didn't listen to his son's advice from last week), The Trolley Dolly trying to chip one into the overhead locker, Yogi worn out by the thought of his Ma & Pa doing his teas and Donut, using his old glasses, turning a good length ball into a Yorker. Five down for not very many and with the master plan in tatters an early trip to the pub was a real possibility. Cue the 'Trub and Tom' show and a very timely outbreak of the 'dropsies' by the oppo. With sagely fatherly advice ringing in their ears - "Don't f**k this up" - a much overdue onslaught occurred which propelled us into the heady heights of three figures, not however without the normal ration of near misses and drops. Eventually Tom fell for 39 only to be replaced by the Skipper to bring supposed stability to one end. On a day of surprises the Skipper reprised his roll of Harry Potter and 'wand like' tried to carve a short ball over the infield only to see it loop for an easy catch. Out strolled Parf with the Skippers wand in his hand, having left his own at home along with his brains and with sweet words of encouragement from his dearly beloved - 'Don't expect any sympathy if you put your back out again' - to join his son (19 years ,11 days, dropped three times). Chancing his arm once too often Trub was back in the hutch for 74 to be replaced by Josh, at which point Parf sensed that the innings could soon draw to a close. Having decided on a safety first policy, Josh was soon smashing the bowling to all parts of the cow corner. Not to be outdone by the young whippersnapper, Parf decided to join in the merriment and proceeded to dismantle his back. In an effort to afford Josh more 'Merc Damage Time', Bill was summoned as a runner, which resulted in one of the seasons more curious moments. Not quite sure how to operate this particular Ménage au Trois, all three were at one time at the same end which no doubt conjures up all sorts of images for those of a particular bent. Eventually Parf fell over and left the other two at it, with Josh going on to score a valuable 31 and underline his credentials as an understudy to Trub, and Bill on 1 to underline his credentials for staying at number eleven. After yet another superb tea from the Holden Stable, Downe took to the field with ten men as Parf took advantage for some more time off and brushed up on his hobbling round the boundary technique. One hearing of the sides' plight, Danielle rushed from her own rather truncated game to take he father's place or to be more accurate to be on the same hallowed turf as her beloved. Unfortunately at this point your intrepid reporter lost interest in the game, as it was to be his last missive before being closed down by the 'Mogul from Wapping'. However in the relaxed post match wind down over Yorkshire puddings in the Pub the undercover recording picked up that there had been extraordinary number of dropped catches particularly behind the stumps, only one wicket fell, to Trub, of all people, and the Skipper brought himself on to bowl at the death to ensure the game finished inside thirty overs. How much money changed hands in the car park later is not known but the recording did include expansive details of the skipper describing plans for his new palace in Cudham. This weeks report by 'Shiek Y'ur Disc' currently unemployed. (Alias Martin "Parf" Parfett - also known to half the team as "Dad") Having just settled into a solitary peaceful tranquillity that nature, in its mercy, brings to a pensioner suffering from Alzheimer's, this reporter was rudely awakened by the dreaded phone call; “Martin’s suffered multi-vertebrae dislocation blowing his nose, can you join us in the Downe trenches?” To add insult to the physical abuse that I subsequently received keeping wicket to Downe’s coconut shy bowlers, I am required to compile a match report. Therefore with due deference to crumbling synapses, the blend of fact and fiction may be palpable. It was a fine English summer’s day when the skippers finally tossed the coin after a delay in arrival from the opposition, due to an attempt to completely isolate Downe Village with road works. The opposition, the Flying Ducksmen, won and chose to bat. The Downe skipper set his field and was met with immediate hostile rebellion from Marcus, who was 19 three days ago and son of malingerer Martin. He insisted that he choose his own inconsequential position in the field as he had a bad hand (malingering must be hereditary); the skipper put him at busy point. Downe then opened their bowling attack with the dynamic delinquent duo of Mark and Josh. Mark quickly and miserly optimised his line and length whilst Josh countered with an erratic hostility that resulted in the wicket keeper receiving digit end damage and more alarmingly, a blow that results in a dull foreboding ache in the wedding tackle area. The opposition batsmen however batted well and comfortably withstood Downe’s opening salvo. A change in bowling brought on father for son, Chris, and son of skipper, Tom. Good cricket ensued from both batsmen and bowlers until an unwise cross shot to a good length straight ball from Tom resulted in the first wicket. Yogi and Spindles were then economically used with a four over spell each. Spindles had a convincing lbw appeal heard and given out by an umpire at Lords, but unfortunately turned down by the one 22 yards away. The steady competent batting and bowling continued with a further four wickets going down at a rate of about four runs per over, until the last eight overs were due to be bowled by the most successful bowler, Tom and the miserly, tight, steady bowler Chris. “That’s job done” muttered a confident skipper. One over from Chris and a further 22 runs on the scoreboard seemed to compile a persuasive argument against that. It must be said that Chris wasn’t helped in the cause by some of the fielding; a few dropped catches, Billy ‘the kid’ Lewis ball juggling with his feet before twice half volleying the ball over the boundary and even the gazelle like Josh and Mark over-running the ball. The final flourish resulted in an impressive score of 221 (coincidently the same winning score that Downe had achieved the previous week) leaving Downe ‘double nelson’ for victory. There was a slight trudge in the step as Downe left the field with Mark instructing his father on the skills of bowling an economic spell. Subsequent to yet another excellent tea, JD and Spindles opened the batting for Downe. After composing a quality innings of 2, JD in a magnificent gesture, set a fine example by leaving a straight ball and sacrificing his wicket to allow another player to bat. Unfortunately this gesture made no impression on Spindles or Chris who entered the fray with the score on 11 and left it with the score on 208 and a paltry personal score of 104. But...could this be another famous Downe debacle! Enter son Mark to show his father how to properly build an innings, and safely prevent the eight wicket avalanche that Downe are famous for and guide them to a well deserved victory, with Spindles on a shocking jug evasive 89 not out. It should be said that the impatient Marcus who was by this time 19 years 3 days and 20 hours old, was still padded up to go in next. He received no apology from Chris or Spindles as nor did Yogi who kept score of most of their runs, nor did Billy-no-bowler, nor the Skipper who also did not bowl, and nor yours truly who has had to reluctantly describe their match winning performances. Acknowledgement is required for the all-round performance of Hillsy, he umpired and scored for both teams (no Downe team has ever lost when Hillsy has been responsible for the scoring) whilst ensuring that the tea ladies were safely ensconced in Moose Corner. The after match activities were continued in the pub where the opposition were well received and complimented for their sporting performance on the field and in the bar. Like a doting grandparent to a child, hospitality is happily given when received with such innocent greed and avarice! The jug proffered by Chris for his century was received in exactly the same manner. Match report by wicket keeper Barry Brady......aged 65 years 11 months 9 days. Downe batted first and scored 221 for the loss of just 3 wickets in their 40 overs. After tea Roan & Lambethans wickets fell steadily and after 40 overs they finished on 162 for 9, well short of the required total. With the forecasters predicting a heat wave there seemed to be only one option for the captain winning the toss. The pitch, having been given a number 1, by Tom was still rather soft and batting could be slow, and I wasn't referring to the openers. You can however guarantee on one thing with the skipper and that is he has no intention of doing anything physical when the sun's out. So toss won and Downe were to bat first. In fact it was so hot the tea ladies got out the paddling pool. Not however for the sweating toddlers, who gazed longingly at the cool crystal waters, but for their own feet, the splashing of the water drowning out the tears of a child! The opposition, having turned up late, didn't look best pleased. Following last weeks debacle and the avalanche of excuses the decision to bat was braver than at first seemed. Downe's batting often takes the form of a child's sandcastle, awaiting the incoming tide. It looks good but you know at any moment it will be washed away. So when JD was bowled in the third over the signs were not good. Apparently the gate, between bat and pad, was so large that even Hobbsy would have managed to have driven his car through, something he's unable to do when leaving the ground without a three point turn.Time for Theresa to take the wheel I feel. The fall of JD is one of my favourite parts of the cricketing day as he trudges to the pavillion head down, feet and bat being dragged across the turf. Apparently a wandering Aussie on seeing this spectacle a number of years back created the 'Duck' character for channel 9 based on our own JD. Spindles and Chris then set about a second substantial partnership of 150 this season. Neither really sparkled with Chris playing a Dentonesk innings in which he was being out scored 3 - 1 by Spindles. Hard to believe I know and had I not been in the middle witnessing the 'excitement' first hand I'd have laughed at the suggestion. Spindles finally woke up after the first drinks break with a 4 and a glorious straight 6. (I'm choking) Only one chance was offered between them and that was not a gimme unlike the nonsense we were to see later. Spindles finally went for 82 and Chris for 61 leaving Marcus (33) and Liam (18) to play a quick cameo. Marcus, who apparently is nearly 19, was rather studious and even played a number of defensive shots to the disgust of the pavilion but not his skipper. A total of 221 was finally achieved for the loss of 3 wickets. Excellent teas were provided, once the ladies had dragged themselves from their 'pool' and I think most people would have been happy to have left it at that and gone to the pub. With the return of Sweet, Skipper was spoilt for choice in the fast bowling department. Indeed it was Sweet who made the important breakthrough doing the opener for speed and movement off the seem to take out middle stump. Josh at the other end provided a hostile spell keeping the batsmen on their toes. Martin and Tom came on and kept the pressure going. Martin bamboozled the batsmen with a variety of balls including the full toss on leg stump, a ploy which resulted in an excellent catch on the boundary by Josh especially as the ball came right out of the sun. If only that had been the bench mark for an excellent afternoon in the field. Marcus 'I'm nearly 19 you know' was dreaming of his presents when one was lofted his way. Had he been paying attention and moved four feet it would have been an easy take but alas no and his father, who was bowling, was not amused as the catch was spilled. Worse was to follow with Chris the unlucky bowler this time. The ball was skied to Marcus, who did his best to get out of the way, but with his name called there was no place to hide and only one thing to do and yes he dropped the ball. Contagion appears to be the buzz word in the news these days and it was certainly evident here. JD then put down another, again off the unlucky Chris, but at least he managed to out run Spindles to the ball. (Note to skipper - make Spindles field with a bat and give him a run every time he fields the ball) Skipper performed some exemplary 'tall barriers' but the worst was yet to follow. There was a brief interruption in play as the love birds, Kim and Bill, smooched behind the bowlers arm lost in the moment and each others arms until brought back to reality by some choice words. With 3 wickets remaining and the run rate increasing Sweet and Tom were brought in to roll them out. The plan would have worked had Liam remembered what his hands were for, dropping not one but two sitters off the same batsmen in consecutive overs. The skipper even tried to hide him in the field, but the ball always follows, and a driven four went straight through him. Skipper needs to teach him the tall barrier and quick. Brady as ever showed agility behind the stumps and took a number of spectacular takes. He is however prone to admiring some of his takes when perhaps taking the bails off, when the batsmen is marooned, would be better. Anyway the last pair survived and Downe won by a comfortable margin. The opposition then departed with the same haste in which they arrived, and Kidbrooke obviously has some attractions I've not yet seen. The food in the pub was excellent once we finally arrived. Liam continued his fine form this time spilling the Yorkshire pud, before clutching it to his chest. Better recovery than earlier but gravy down the top spoke volumes. I only pray he's better with the trolley or BA will really go down the pan. Special mention should go to Hillsy who scored for not one but two innings, as the opposition apparently couldn't be bothered. Whilst we shouldn't be too harsh on a man of his years, the cards did resemble something a parent might have been given by their child returning from Kindergarten. Whether the scores show a true reflection of the day is anyone's guess as we seemed to 'lose' overs in both innings and he seemed to have adopted his own form of scoring with runs being given for artistic merit. Match report by Matt "Sweet" Walker Downe batted first and were always in trouble with wickets tumbling steadily. There was a brief stand of 35 from the father and son team, Chris and Mark Trevatt, but Downe were all out for just 83 in 26 overs. Dulwich never looked like losing the match and although 3 batsmen were dismissed, they reached the required total comfortably. Just before the match started there was a heavy downpour of rain and for the first time in the history of Downe cricket some temporary covers were placed over the wicket. Unfortunately the quality of the covers was not great and water leaked through making a large damp patch, just on a length at the "stables" end. This "damp patch" apparently was the cause of the downfall of 4 of Downe's first 5 batsmen (or so they say) who were all clean bowled at that end. Of course there was a big discussion afterwards in the pub about this and Dave Holden has provided the photos below in an attempt to back up their dubious claim. I just used to blame my useless batting ability for my many miserable failures..... ....never thinking it may have been down to a "damp patch" !!!!!! 
 We're in the middle of a drought, it's been the driest spring since records started and hose pipe bans are threatened.......yet our last two game have been rained off !!!!! Unheard of in the history of Downe cricket !!!!! The weather men did forecast "only a few scattered showers" so relying on their prediction, the match was started even though there were a few rain drops around. As the afternoon went on, the scattered shower got stronger and steadier and despite having an early tea and then reducing the match to 30 overs, common sense took over and the game was abandoned. The predicted "scattered shower" has not yet stopped and it's now 11am on Monday.(Can someone please explain to me why these "weather forecasters" actually get paid) Chislehurst did manage to get their 30 overs completed and finished up with 143 runs. Downe finished up taking 6 wickets and getting very wet. An attempt was made to give Downe an innings but was swiftly abandoned after just 7 balls had been delivered, and Marcus was very pleased to hear that the statistics were still going into the averages, as he'd scored 15 not out from the 5 balls he faced. May came to an end with another dry yet dull day. A month of unbroken cricket – lovely! William and Kim arrived with a plethora of trays laden with goodies for tea. William claimed he was fully involved in the preparation, but we know differently. Trafford Croydon came to town and our skipper surprisingly lost the toss. Using Parfett Senior’s ‘lucky’ double headed coin probably wasn’t the wisest move. We took the field with a full complement of 11, which soon became 10 as Jack had to leave the field rather sharply due to tucking into one too many of Tesco’s finest chili sausages for breakfast. Nonetheless Josh Taylor burst into action with some early pace, inducing an early nick snaffled with aplomb by the club’s specialist gully M. Warne Esquire. Tom and Mark joined the party and the opposition were soon three down. However Trafford Croydon had a couple of tasty batsmen and they were soon finding the boundary with ease. The run rate soared and a total of 280 plus was very much on the cards. The Skipper made a double change and brought on Parfett Senior and Warne and the former snared their opener for 68. In fact his figures didn’t do him justice. Martin’s 8 over spell really kept the oppo in check and he probably deserved another wicket or two. Aside from Marcus dropping an absolute stinger – though it had 4 written all over it - and Trevatt Jnr just failing to hold onto a steepler, the fielding performance was pretty decent though William did show what could only be described as a lack of enthusiasm for not getting under a skyer. Apparently he hadn’t bought any spare Calvins with him that day. Taylor Senior especially was slick and assured behind the stumps. Tom bowled well picking up 3 wickets and Matt Warne chipped in with 2. Trevatt Jnr showed his old man the way forward with some very sharp last few overs and Trafford Croydon closed on 250 for 9 – far less than they expected. 250 was eminently getable. The ball was coming onto the bat nicely and the outfield, unlike years gone by, was like lightning. Denton and Warne opened with Denton –yes Denton - literally smearing the ball round the park. They put on a rapid 47 partnership at 6 an over before Smudger was unluckily castled by a shooter. Warne and Trevatt continued the good work before the former was caught and Marcus and Liam followed quickly. Parfett Senior joined Chris and for a while the target still looked possible. Then disaster! Chris looking good on 41 holed out in the deep and Mark and Tom both disappeared for ducks in the same over. Alas whilst Mark didn’t display any Nasser Hussain like tendancies out in the middle, he did in the dressing room throwing his bat round the room, kicking holes in walls and even scaring the skipper at one point! Alas the game was up. Some lusty blows from Martin and an unbeaten cameo from Jack weren’t enough. William came to the crease with 80 odd needed off 6 overs – surely not? His first ball was a beamer at head height. Our gallant No 11 – instead of ducking – smacked it just in front of his nose towards square leg. It had 4 written all over. However the oppo’s fielder had other ideas. He dived, stopped it and promptly dislocated his shoulder! Call for an ambulance someone shouted. Don’t worry said Theresa. ‘ I have my first aid box filled to the brim with ice packs and bandaids!’ as she ran onto the field. An ambulance was duly called. A big girly scream came from the showers – surely not another accident. No it was just Martin getting a blast of cold water on his nether regions. The sun broke through the clouds. What a lovely late spring evening it was as the pitch was enveloped in sunlight. William was still on a mission – his 2nd ball was smeared, straight to a fielder. That also had boundary written all over it. Alas he didn’t make it to the 4th ball! On paper a heavy defeat, but the reality was it could and should have been so much closer. As always we retired do that fine drinking establishment in Downe village known as the Queens Head where the local specialty of Yorkshire pudding with tender beef in the middle smothered with gravy was soon devoured even though a ruby murray was awaiting for most. And Brady very quickly discovered he would have to revisit his holiday plans as he soon found out that he was going to be the only person on the boys golfing holiday! Report by Matt "Spindles" Warne THE PARFETT CUP Following last week's trouncing of 'mighty' neighbours Orpington, Jack once again rotated the squad in true 'Tinkerman' fashion with the young guns Tom, Chicken Boy and Josh being brought back to provide Downe with a fearsome trio of fast bowlers. Similarities to the great W'Indies attacks of the past were apparent with 'Chicken Boy' providing the height and pace of Garner, Josh, the quick low action of Marshall and Tom, well not sure about that one. Following last weeks run feast Jack had obviously had words with the groundsman 'Northern Bob' to spice up the pitch with selective watering. How Bob managed to achieve this during his busy schedule I don't know but the scene was set, and there was to be no run feast this week, especially with the seasons second cup up for grabs against Leigh. (Imagine the moaning had Orpington played this week!) Once again Downe batted first with the skipper opting for a fresh opening pair namely the 'Spice Boys' Sweet and Spindles. Whilst the opposition provided a little early spice with a few lifters there was to be none from the 'Spice Boys'. A rather bland start - we are talking mild Korma here - was epitomised by Spindles taking 23 balls to get off the mark ! First down was Sweet clipping to leg where a smart catch was taken. This brought Chris to the wicket and news quickly spread, with reports of tail backs to Essex, though this was actually down to Ralph arguing over the fee for the bridge "How much !!". Downe's confidence quickly evaporated as Chris played early to the gentle left armer chipping a catch to mid wicket. Leigh were looking confident and well drilled in the field, as you would expect from a team coached by Martin Parfett. A partnership of 76 then occurred between Spindles and David. David played some mighty blows causing the seeker 'Bill' to be dispatched bat in hand to search the undergrowth.The excitement however got the better of David, and following one maximum, aimed a second and was bowled. There then followed a brief innings from Chicken Boy who had the audacity to blame the pitch and groundsman, for his dismissal; rather petulant for a 16 year old, and I would suggest a weeks grounding where he could think about his shot selection. Sensing that the score was not the greatest Liam threw the bat, whilst Spindles didn't. Liam's dismissal brought out Jack and the score drifted to 169-5. Spindles, despite five wickets in reserve, appeared to be batting for his average and carried his bat for 81 laborious runs from a full 40 overs. Indeed despite Leigh's otherwise good fielding he somehow managed to be dropped 4 times, which appears to be a regular occurrence, and one must wonder whether money is changing hands or some other agreement is in place. Jack opted for the youngest opening pair of bowlers in Downe's history with Josh providing the low zip, and Chicken boy the steepling bounce. A tidy spell from both brought a wicket apiece. Things were obviously on the up as Jack first stopped one in the slips (feet) and then took a smart catch. Whilst this looked impressive from a distance, close up footage, showed the ball to be lodged between breast and arm. Basically the ball hit him and it stuck and we still await one to stick in the hands. Tom continued the good work providing a good line and out foxing the batsman with an 'even slower ball', whilst Sweet snared one lbw. With four down and only 30 odd on the board the game was there for the taking. A potential match turning point then followed when Tom again bowled a wicked delivery which was gently guided to gully. Despite years of droning on about being a specialist gully, Spindles managed to drop an absolute sitter to the bemusement of everyone. Questions were again asked about his batting and whether some reciprocal agreement had been reached 'Drop me and I'll drop you.' Leigh then proceeded to put on a further 79 to provide a few jitters for the home side. Leigh were helped somewhat by an erratic display behind the stumps from Martin, with byes looking like claiming the top scorer spot for a considerable period. Watching Martin go down for a 'low take' is like watching a tree being felled 'TIIIIMMMMBEEEEERRRRRR'. He even needed help off the ground from Jack, which is a dangerous move that should never to be repeated, imagine if he'd fallen on him, there would have been tremors felt as far away as Japan and I think they deserve a break. Words were spoken during the drinks break which provided the amusing episode of Hillsy being sent packing by the opposition youth (9) when trying to umpire. Chris provided a semblance of calm having been brought into the attack, and picked up a brace, whilst Spindles was given a go. Following last weeks heroics it again fell to Sweet to provide the inspiration. Spindles was brutally flayed into the deep. Jack looked concerned until he realised his 'top man' was on the case. With ground to cover the fleet footed Sweet ate the yards taking a spectacular low catch before performing the customary role. Two "once in a life time" catches in two weeks and the crowd were truly going mad, apart from Jan that is who was cheering the opposition. That wicket brought forth an interesting partnership as Danielle came out to join her sweetheart. I know batsmen like to compare notes at the end of the over but this was a step too far as the young love birds whispered sweet nothings to each other, which had nothing to do with the bowling. Danielle then spanked Spindles through the covers and gave one of those 'is that it' looks to the bowler. Danielle then somehow managed to be caught by her father who took a good catch off an inside edge, and there is no exaggeration to say that it was the only thing he caught all day. With Leigh's batting broken there were no more partnerships of note, though the other love bird remained unbeaten with a decent 50. The young guns were brought back with Tom and Chicken boy each picking up a further wicket. With the trophy won everyone departed to the pub, where the victory parade was discussed, and we now await conformation from the police that this can take place. x.jpg) Match report by Matt "Sweet" Walker Dad's Army prevail following "Catch of the Season" !!! Following last weeks chastening defeat to L-BC the Downe brains trust, Jack, elected to jettison the youth and opt for a team packed with experienced campaigners as after all you win nothing with 'kids' ! Out with the young and in with the old selection policy resulted in probably the oldest team in Downe's history with an average age of 49. Whilst the few younger members moved like 49 year old's the reverse did not happen to the older members. Jack once again won the toss and Orpington begrudgingly took to the field, with quite a few grumbles from the bowlers who'd been promised a few hours sleep in the pavilion. The openers, Jack and Spindles, set a positive start against some good hostile bowling which saw Jack falling in the third over and a tough afternoon looked to be on the cards. The opening bowlers however soon departed never to return and were replaced by a succession of 'friendly' bowlers to whom the batsmen tucked in. Spindles and Chris then proceeded to add 205 runs which proved to be a record 2nd wicket partnership. Jack couldn't believe his luck and was no doubt wishing he'd been a little more cautious. There was the odd escape with Spindles being reprieved a simple caught and bowled and Chris benefiting from a piece of comical fielding as the player rushed in to take a catch only to see it go over his head for 4. Both however fell suspiciously close to a ton with Spindles 99 and Chris 92. Had this been Pakistan then a report would have been sent to the match referee and betting patterns examined. There were a few late wickets including a golden for 'Young Bill' as the bat was thrown bringing the total to a commanding 285. Whilst it was clear that Orpington appeared to be feeding Downe for a run chase, the Downe bowlers began to wonder how good their batsmen were that a total of 286 seemed to hold no concern! Sweet and Chris '6 fingers' Upton opened with Chris providing the tighter line. A few near misses came and went as the batsmen rode their luck a little as would be expected chasing such a total. Second up was Martin and 'Old Bill', guesting from Brasted. The runs continued to flow with a number of big hits and the loss of a few balls before Martin took the first wicket having clipped the leg stump and 'Old Bill' a brace. This just increased the run rate as the new batsmen hit the ball even further. Downe's fielding is never great and today, with no surprise, was no exception. After last weeks debacle in the slips Jack had some private tuition with his god son, who explained the dynamics of slip fielding and in particular how you were more likely to catch the ball with your hands than your feet. Jack was obviously paying some attention as this week he stooped to snaffle one with his hands, but alas the ball did not stick but at least 4 runs were saved. Rather harshly Yogi was the brunt of the skipper's shouting 'pay attention' being a regular catch phrase for David, who grows more like David Bellamy each week, and certainly seemed to enjoy his time in the woods rather too much. A flurry of wickets to some good catches did slow things down slightly with Chris Upton securing a good one in the deep though things are a little easier when you have an extra digit with which to cling on to. Even Jack was getting in on the act taking one close up and then proceeding to nonchalantly pop it in his pocket. Fraser, also guesting from Brasted, took a couple followed by the openers Sweet (2) and Six fingers (1) as the game was closed out. Sweet was even pole axed by a throw from Six fingers which caught him flush on the knee. Excellent work from Young Bill in the deep and Brady behind the stumps who put in another immaculate performance, meant the last pair, required 40 of 4 overs. Whilst this would normally be routine for the fielding side the Orpington order had the look of a pack of cards thrown in the air as Six fingers was effortlessly driven for a straight six. It's at times like this that you hope your 'Big game' players come to the fore and once again Jack had cause to thank Sweet. Where lesser men may have buckled, Sweet sprinted from deep mid on to deep mid off with the ball swirling in the wind. At the last moment, the injured knee buckled and Sweet dived full pelt arms outstretched and took what can only be described as catch of the season. Brady "Sweet that's the best catch I've ever seen." Yogi "Sweet how did you manage that." Spindles "Sweet for that I'll drive every week from now on, and give you first dibs for the shower." With the match won everyone departed to the pub for some excellent drink, food and company which was only marred by unfair accusations of Ronaldo like behaviour being labelled at Sweet for 'excessive diving' and being unable to stay on his feet. Would any one be surprised to hear that this match report is by Matt "Sweet" Walker !!!!!! Three weeks into the season and already the first piece of silverware was on offer. Skipper embolden with last weeks victory was confident, and rumour has it that he had already dusted down the mantle piece in anticipation. The old adage of not changing a winning team was however ignored and Locksbottom fearing a resurgent Downe raided the resources of Bromley Common to bolster their side. Locksbottom, or should I say Bromley Common, elected to bat. The skipper ignored the chance to start with the youngest opening partnership in Downe's history, electing for guile and experience at one end with the excitement and pace of youth at the other. Locksbottom set off at a reasonable pace on a good track. The boudaries were not over generous and once past the field there was little chance of hauling the ball back before reaching the ropes. Josh bowling a nice line and length took the first scalp a good catch from behind the stumps by Marcus 'Trub' Parfett. Sadly a feat that was not to be repeated. The Locksbottom skipper was finding his range but should have fallen to the 'old fox' Sweet who drew him in and enticed a nick to slip. It was looking good until we noticed Jack standing at No.1. For some reason he tried to catch it with his foot, and no surprise missed, resulting in four to the total. Mark 'Coach / Chicken Boy' Trevatt was seen taking notes and will no doubt dedicate a whole lesson on the subject for his young proteges at Hayes. Rotation brought the two TREVATTS into the attack, with Mark faring better than his father. Second ball and the Locksbottom danger man nicked to 'Trub' for a routine catch. Marcus celebrated a little early and the ball hit the deck. Chris was receiving robust treatment from his Saturday colleagues being hit for a number of big sixes. The next change brought Spindles into the attack who managed to snare one in the first over. The batsman having had two sighters fancied what we was seeing, and who would blame him, proceeded to hit one over the top only to be caught in the deep by Chicken boy which proved to be the only highlight in the field. A number of further catches went down with the No.3 being the most costly as he put on a further 80 before finally getting out. The Taylor household would have provided reasonable entertainment after Liam put down TWO off his son's bowling in the same over ! A few late wickets came and a total of 242 was set. The skipper's mood was cheered even more by the knowledge that Chelsea had survived a whole 37 seconds before throwing in the towel. The Downe openers of Spindles and Skipper required a positive start which did not come with both departing for a combined total of one and an increased run rate. Chris was however in the mood to make amends for his earlier treatment and picked off the bowling with ease to reach a quick 50. Support at the other end came and went with no significant contributions. Whilst the Downe bowlers were struggling to find their line and length Locksbottom / Bromley common bowlers elected for a different approach namely ignoring the pitch and bowling full tosses. This approach was surprisingly successful with Martin, Trub, Liam and Sweet all falling. The most controversial was that of Trub who managed to swat an extremely high ball, somehow not called a no ball, to the boundary. The fielder, believing he was over the boundary, stuck out a hand as he didn't fancy walking after it. The ball stuck and on looking down he realised he was actually on the pitch !! During this period Chris spent too much time at the non strikers end and any momentum was lost. The two Trevatts followed their bowling duet with one with the bat with Chicken boy finishing second top scorer and last man out with Downe around 50 short. David 'Yogi Bear' Holden provided the afternoons most amusing episode. Each batsman has their own way of preparing for the crease, David apparently feels that a deep sleep is the one that suits him best. With the score board needing updating Hillsy called to David to do the honours, as he was sitting nearest. David hearing his name woke with a start jumped up a threw a cricket ball, which was near his paws, onto the field of play. The game was briefly halted and a bemused fielder returned the ball and the ridicule began. In a speech that could have come straight from 'Mourinho' the cup was handed to the opposing captain for another year. Match report by Matt "Sweet" Walker Downe batted first in this 40 overs game and were all out for 198 after 34.7 overs. Catford & Cyphers were all out for 149 in 31.4 overs. Downe batted first in this 40 overs game and scored 186 for 9. After tea, the Farnborough batsmen soon got stuck into the Downe bowlers and reached the required target in just 28 overs with the loss of only 4 batsmen.
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